Why did the boy throw his clock out of the window?

Because he wanted to see time fly!

Why did the man carry a torch [flashlight] in his bag?

To lighten his load!!

Why do people like working in clock factories?

Because they get to make faces!!

Why was was the broom late for work?

Because it over swept!

A garden path and a road were sitting in a bar when another path came in and threw them out.
"You can't do that!", said the barman.

"I can do anything I like!", said the path in an angry voice, "Everybody knows I'm a bit of a cyclepath!"

A duck walks in a bar and asks, "Have you got any bread?"
"No!", says the barman.
"Have you got any bread?", asks the duck
"No!", says the barman.
"Have you got any bread?", asks the duck
"No!", says the barman.
"Have you got any bread?", asks the duck
"Ask that again and I'll shoot you", says the barman.
"Have you got a gun?", says the duck
"No!", says the barman.

"Have you got any bread, then!!!", asks the duck.

What did the sea say to the boat?

Nothing, it just gave a little wave!

Why are pirates called pirates?

Just because they aaaaaaaarrrrrrrhhhhhh!

How do you make a sausage roll?

Give it a push!

How do you make a french fry?

Leave him in the sun!!

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Did you hear about the tap dancer?

He fell down the sink and broke his leg!!!

What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

What do phonebooks wear?

a-ddress-es!

What is purple, spiky and goes up and down yelling HELP!!?

A gooseburry stuck in a lift!!

What did one wall say to the other one?

I'll meet you at the corner!

What do you call 4 burglars?

2 pairs of sneaker's!

What did the grape do when it got stood on?

It gave a little wine!

There were two muffins in the oven.
One muffin said, "whoo its hot in here!"

The other one said, "Aaahhh!!! A talking muffin!"

What did the teddy bear say when the waiter asked him if he would like more food?

"No thanks, I'm stuffed!"

What flys and is great to eat after dinner?

A jellycopter!

Have you heard the joke about the bin [trashcan]?

It's rubbish [garbage]!

What goes with a jacket potato?

Button mushrooms!

Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?

Because they might crack up!!!

Why can't cars play football?

Because they only have one boot.

A boy was going to a football match with his dad when his dad said, "I wish I'd brought the television with me!"
The son said, "Why dad, do you think this game will be boring?"

"No son, I've left the tickets on it!!!"

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug!

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas!

What do call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff!!

What do you call a man who gets walked on a lot?

Matt!

What do you call a man with a tree on his head?

Russell!

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen!

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette!

Why did the aeroplane crash through the upstairs window?

Because it saw the landing light!

What happaned to the man who lost his left side?

He's all right now!

Where did the king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!!!

What kind of love hurts?

A Crush!

What did a and b find at the beach?

A cgull!

What do you get hanging off a tree in the jungle?

A sore arm!!!

Heard about the sick martial arts teacher?

He had Kung Flu!!

There were two snowmen standing in a field, one turns to the other and says...

Hey, can you smell carrots?

Alan: "My grandfather is over 80 years and hasn't a grey hair!"
Grace: "Amazing!"

Alan: "Not really, he's bald!!!"

How does Frosty the Snowman get around?

By "ice"-icle!

Where do snowmen go dancing?

To the snowball, of course!!

Why did the girl sit on her watch?

She wanted to be on time!

Why was the nose tired?

It had been running all day!!

What's orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney?

Fanta Clause

What did the biscuit say when it got run over by a car?

Crumbs!

What did the waves say to beach?

"Long time no sea!"

What did the boy orange say to the pretty girl orange?

"You're appeelling!!!"

Why did the robber have a bath before he left the house?

Because he wanted to make a clean escape!

What did the policeman say to his tummy?

You're under a vest!!

How do you make an apple puff?

Chase it around the garden!!!

What did the gun say to the other gun?

"You're fired!!"

Why do you go to bed?

Because the bed can't come to you!!